Just when I thought I was doing okay in my relationship with God . . . just when I thought, “Hey, I’ll write a blog about how trustworthy God is so that I can encourage people and tell my story of victory” . . . right about the time I was feeling pretty confident in my fight against the fears that have so often plagued me . . . my proud house of cards came tumbling down, and everything I thought I had learned was put to the test.
I’ve kept it no secret that FEAR is one of my biggest struggles. After going through the traumatic experience of Eli’s early birth, I began to fear all the bad things that could happen. I also began to question the trustworthiness of God. Of course, I never consciously said, “I don’t trust you, God.” But all my fears and all my questions – well, all they spoke for themselves. It took several years for me to work through it all. But when I finally did, God even allowed me the opportunity to share my story with some other women who were very encouraged by it.
I suppose we never fully realize when we’ve gotten over-confident until something happens to test that confidence, to see if it’s still placed in the right person (God or ourselves). My test came the other night when I received a sudden, potentially serious injury in a freak accident. It seems so unreal, and I keep wondering how in the world it happened. As I was getting back into our vehicle with my kids, somehow I turned with just enough umph, and the passenger-side door was closing on me with just enough speed, that I popped my forehead on the corner of the door and busted my head. I instantly fell to the ground, and my kids immediately began to freak out. There was a lot of blood, and many tears and screams from my children. Fortunately my husband was with us, so he drove me to the ER to get checked out.
As I sat in the car on the way to the hospital, I felt so close to losing consciousness. But I knew that if I passed out, my kids would be even more scared than they already were. Plus, that’s just a scary feeling in itself – the feeling that you’re about to lose yourself into the unknown. So I was fighting that feeling with everything in me. I leaned forward as far as I could to put my head between my knees, and I began breathing in long, slow breaths. After about 5 minutes I finally felt that horrible feeling subside, just in time for me to get out of the car and visit the ER. Thankfully, in the end I was okay. The doctor said I had a slight concussion, but I didn’t need stitches. He bandaged me up and sent me home with orders to watch for signs of a worsening concussion.
Two days later, my body was no worse for the wear (although I was still in pain) . . . but my mind and heart were a different story. On the second night as I was trying to relax and go to sleep, I finally cried. I suppose I had been holding back for the kids’ sake, trying to be tough. But suddenly my mind was filled with fear and doubt. Why did God let this happen to me? Sure, it wasn’t so bad – but look how easily and suddenly an accident can happen. Our human bodies seem so fragile sometimes. What if Jeromy hadn’t been there to take care of us? What if it had happened to one of the kids? What if I had been knocked out? I must have done something wrong to deserve this. But what did I do? I guess I just deserve this for what a horrible person I am.
I sounded like a baby Christian – not a seasoned believer who’s been walking confidently with Christ for the past several years. At that moment I had been sorely tempted to fall back into my old habits of beating myself up and wallowing in self-pity. But I knew better. Even if my rantings were all true – even if God really was disciplining me – even if it had been worse – God is still God. And I can trust Him because He’s my heavenly Father, and He loves me. All that time when my confidence had been building, at some point I had shifted from being confident in God to being confident in myself. But this incident put everything back into the right perspective.
Blessed is the man who fears the Lord, who finds great delight in his commands. . . . He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. ~ Psalm 112:1, 7
You, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. ~ Psalm 86:15
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