A Love - Hate Relationship

In my effort to be transparent, today I’m sharing something personal that I struggle with. And something that I think a lot of Christians struggle with – walking daily with my Savior. Growing up in church, I was taught that you should pray and read your Bible every day. For a long time that just seemed like a set of rules to me. And honestly it didn’t seem all that appealing. That is, until I came to know Jesus Christ in a more personal way. In college I finally made a real connection with Christ, and since then I have experienced God in such ways I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit resides in me. And I have heard His still, small voice.

Sadly though, despite the indescribable awesomeness of knowing Him and knowing that I’m saved . . . I still manage to turn away from Him at times and even completely neglect Him. What’s so hard to fathom is WHY I continue to fall into this pattern. It’s a cycle of highs and lows, closeness and distance. Now, I know what some of you are thinking: you’re still human! But here’s my argument: I’m supposed to be a new creation! I have the desire to be close to my Lord, but my actions are revealing something else.

Just to clarify, I’m not saying that I need to be legalistic about my time with Him. I’m not talking about just doing religion. The expectation I have for myself is to pray without ceasing, to hide God’s Word in my heart, to ever have my First Love on my mind and heart. I’m talking about avoiding becoming lukewarm! I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. In my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched woman I am!

So that’s where I was last night – a mindset of self-hatred. I was beating myself up for being so selfish toward my Lord. I was hating my Self. And then I remembered something I had heard one day, that self-hatred is actually a form of pride. It was then that I realized I don’t actually hate myself at all. I love myself too much. I often love my Self more than my Lord. So how do I remedy this? Lord, what do I do? How do I reconcile my feelings and human nature with Your Truth?

And then I heard that still, small voice again. “Jessica, it’s a daily thing. If anyone would come after me, he must DENY HIMSELF and take up his cross DAILY and follow me. My compassions never fail, they are new EVERY MORNING. My Holy Spirit hasn’t just changed your life . . . I can change your DAY. Don’t let yourself be overwhelmed with having a perfectly ordered spiritual walk. Just give each day to me. See each day as the perfect day to start again. Remember, I am slow to anger and abounding in love. And I will never give up on you.”

Thank You, Father. I will sing of Your mercy that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy! Hallelujah!